it was an eye opening weekend for me
painfully so

I realized that I have become so immune
 to wanting
that I no longer know how to want
I understand that to achieve this state
is aspirational for a Buddhist
but I am not a Buddhist

I see now
why I have not bounced back
when others I know
have done so quickly
they wanted to
they wanted their lives and
 their material possessions to reflect who they are

today, I understood 
that if I want to be successful
that I have to be able to want


success does come with financial rewards
material gains
if I don't learn how to want
that for myself
only I alone thwart my success


today I read about it
"a sense of reward must follow action
or your light will simply extinguish.."


it is not enough to want to be successful
there has to be an acceptance
 that there will be a reward 
and that I will want that reward