once you said I did something because I care about you
I told you that care was the wrong word
I could not come up with the right word

it's devoted
I did what I did,
do what I do
because I am devoted to you

deeply devoted

I don't want to die with the music, 
the passion still inside me
I hope I at least have 20 more years
that is not very long
I want to live them as fully as possible
with love, joy, creativity
passion, adventure, freedom
laughter
following my heart on my adventure
you are magic and beauty to me
been working really hard on the multiples for the show
here are 3 sets so far
I have less than 2 weeks to pull everything together!



 another birthday gift
don't have the forwarding address
last time they were returned to sender
but it is here
made with my loving hands
it always knows
the cost is too great
Love Warrior

my ego plagues me
with doubts and fears
about my feelings
my intuition
and the path I have chosen
trying to tell me I am wrong

these doubts and fears
I will no longer heed them

I will face them
battle them
at every turn

no longer will I accept them
but will transform them
into my truth


I have been
scared straight

I just woke up from a dream of you

I am here for you
I am with you heart and soul
I care deeply about your hopes and dreams
the strength of your masculinity
your heart of gold
like no one else you will ever know
I want all of them to come true
I KNOW you know what I am saying
I love you
the place for you in my life
is wide open
where you will always feel like
you belong
a sense of belonging 
of being loved so intensely
that there is such a trust on your part
which allows you to relax, rest
and be yourself
in YOUR space
where you are always free
within the circle of my arms
in the space of my love
with a sense of peace and calm
you are not alone because
I am here
here, where you can be you
always
where you can be you
and always feel loved
loved for who you are
never having to hide
nothing to prove
where you are safe
wild and free
I stand by your heart and soul
with a fierce love and protection
freedom
I am here for you

love is all there is



give yourself 
to someone
who understands the enormity
of the gift 
you are giving

but regret not
giving yourself
to someone
who will never understand the enormity
of your gift
if you have given
yourself
with all of the
love in your heart

so grateful
following my heart
the tide is 
turning
all the liquid in me
pulled towards the moon
lifting me 
above the sea
where I am
drowned
went gallery hopping Saturday night
Ibid, Venus, and UTA
My favorite pieces were by Vito Acconci at Ibid
curated by Kenny Schachter
(pardon the self reflection)
the barbecued chicken was good too!
"The erotic relationship with the material"
Loved this article on Jan Fabre on Arterritory
posted on Twitter by Alain Servais
sometimes no words are needed
to feel what is being said

yes
The world is violent and mercurial--it will have its way with you. 
We are saved only by love-
-love for each other and the love that we pour into the art 
we feel compelled to share:
 being a parent; being a writer; being a painter; being a friend.
 We live in a perpetually burning building, 
and what we must save from it, all the time, 
is love. 
Tennessee Williams

10 Feb 2015 Tues
I am putting together a zine about love for the show
 with sketches I have done over the past several years
I found this sketch this morning that I did
on surrendering to love (see previous post)

I Surrender to Love (14 July 17)
the gallery is visiting again this morning
to go over all the details

they have asked me to make some affordable art for the show
so I decided all the big pieces would be on the mezzanine 
and the affordables would be in the basement (first floor)

I decided to do multiples
(in the sense that they are all from the same collection,
all made by me,
rather than fabricated by someone else in order to be repeated)

the above sculpture is from the egg multiple
which is inspired by the 
quote I posted the other day
(here it is again)
for me the egg is a metaphor for the heart
(of course ;) !)

ok, have to get ready now!! more later
I surrender to love
with all of my heart
I know this is how you would be with me if you saw me
I don't know if you can hear me
but I am putting these out here
just in case
loving you is the most right thing
that has ever happened to me
standing by your heart and soul 
with all of my being
I am here for you
that's you
Rollo May
I have probably posted this quote before-my apologies if I have
I was thinking about it again today

friendship in a relationship is really important to me
liking to be with the other, just to be in their presence 
taking a moment to squeeze their hand
while they are busy working
or when going for a walk together
to let them know you like who they are
to let them know you are there for them

complete acceptance 
and so much happiness shared
 
I have been writing in silence for the past 5 years
no spoken words have I been able to share
rendered deaf-mute
by circumstance
relying on my 
keypad to convey
the deepest expression of my heart and soul
employing telepathy
conversing through the ether
feeling the unspoken words of the heart
enabling me
to hear to listen and to understand
to be there
and to give
-
I have been writing academic these past 5 years
in a most nonacademic way
rebelliously
battling with restriction
that would have me filled with dust
stranding me
parched in the desert
rigorously opposed to rhetoric
determined to have my say
encouraged by my professor
to speak my truth
footnotes, bibliography, sources, citing
the only rules to obey
Blood Pen  Bob Partington
I have been fortunate to be able to use this time
to learn how to unleash my emotions through my writing
it has been essential to be able to convey precise meaning
with full expression
both academically and personally

I have had to learn not to edit, to conceal
but to reveal
everything

to be naked in words

for they are written
 in the ink of my blood, sweat and tears
even so
in a way
it has been safe

I have felt safe

expressing to those to whom 
I chose to reveal

this is different
writing my living everyday
automediality
not memoir
but
autobiography in motion

nonetheless, it must be done
I want to move forward
my words are essential to my creativity
to all my avenues of self expression
they ground me in today
simultaneously
propelling me
towards tomorrow
they inspire me
they prepare me
for what is to come
when I don't yet know what that is
they reveal to me the patterns 
and show me the way

always, I allow my words to flow
unchecked
unedited
imperative, essential to 
my personal correspondence
 expressing my deepest feelings 
in hopes that the truth of them
 would be felt as well as read

the risk is equal

for if I could reveal myself wholly
to one
(the one whose loss I could not bear)
if I could reveal myself wholly
hand in hand with my fear


then I can reveal myself here
Unlimited Potential (11 July 2017)
Here is another birthday present for (another!) person
who won't see the piece because they don't use social media!
 My friend other friend loved theirs
my unquenchable fire
maintaining balance ;)
out of the ordinary
Yves Saint Laurent

On the way home from having dinner in Santa Monica 
this evening, the song You Are Not Alone by Michael Jackson
came on the radio

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin...

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there...

You are not alone
I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
you are not alone
I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my hear
t


I thought of you 
and I just wanted you to know
You are not alone
I am here with you 
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
Though we're far apart 
You are always in my heart

Behind the scenes today with photographer Jesse Dvorak
cannot WAIT to publish the photos to my Instagram
(you can take a look at my fashion/styling Instagram here)

coined by English author Edward Bulwer-Lytton in 1839, 
indicating that communication (particularly written language), 
or in some interpretations, 
administrative power or advocacy of an independent press, 
is a more effective tool than direct violence. (wikipedia)

yes, words can be used in the above manner

but make no mistake
words are weapons
___________________________________
words with someone you would never raise arms against 
speak of love and joy
"L'escrimeuse" by French Impressionist painter Jean Beraud
weapons are down 
or stored away
expressions of emotions
understanding
hold sway
 unarmed
defenseless
in order
to listen
to cherish
to hear what they have to say


your chest wide open  
a bared heart and soul
 you are not expecting
the lash of 
vitriol

to slash down on you
this day
the sword
its aim true
slices your heart in twain

touché

the strength
of these weapons
the words remain

 Their final say

permanently etched on paper
ingested by your eyes
undigested by your spirit
 memories of them are like acid
a perpetual burn
unremitting
insidious to your soul

will these words ever,
please,
ever
just go away
___________________________________________

what has greater sway than words that are weapons
what can you say
there is no defense
you cannot change the way a person sees you
and believes you to be
you cannot prove to them that you are not what they see
that you are different
that you don't see life that way

there is nothing you can do, nothing you can say

the only thing you can do is remain intrepid

keep being your loving self
with unwavering
steadfastness, constancy
faithfulness
openheartedness

and remember the words of Mae:

I remember one day, many (many) years ago,
I was driving into The City from Greenwich.
I was listening to a talk show on the radio,
and the host asked the audience:
"Would you date yourself?"
 I turned off the radio
and thought about the question for the rest of the ride
In the end, my answer was yes

from that moment on,
I would look at myself
from that perspective
objectively,
with a willingness
to improve and become more
of who I dreamed of being

I woke up thinking about that question again today
in a slightly different way
"Would you marry yourself?"
today, my answer is still yes
 
what can I bring to a relationship
when the majority of my life I have been single
with little to no experience of being in relationship
and no experience of living with someone

I bring a type of innocence
 mixed with wisdom
from observation of other's relationships
my only experience

free of bitterness  
scarred but unmarred
with lessons learned 
from what I have seen

I bring all that I have done to heal
my pain 
the roots of which lie in the foundation
that my life was built upon

I bring my heart
and my willingness and desire to love fully
with all of my being
to give of myself unconditionally
with no demands
allowing the other to be who they are
at all times
 
I bring a willingness to receive love
and the ability to recognize
when love is being given
(most of the time, never in words)
I don't need  the spoken validation
of what I know exists
because I can feel it with all that I am

I bring my joy and happiness
the ability to be alone
without being lonely
I bring my creativity and femininity 
and the gift of vulnerability
I bring my loyalty
chastity
passion
courage

I bring my imperfect self
and the willingness to try
the acceptance that I may make mistakes
with the ability to make amends

I bring my appreciation for life
and all that it entails
I bring an understanding
that at my age
life is short
there is so much more living to do
and I am going to do it happily ever after 

Yes, I would want to be with one
such as me
to feel loved by one
who loves such as I do

It feels good to love myself
and to know my value
to understand that love
is worth more
than anything else in the world

to know
that I will be cherished
for my loving heart

Yes, if I met me,
as another,
and I wanted to marry me,
as another,
I would
When one door closes, another opens; 
but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door 
that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
Alexander Graham Bell


recently I had a door slammed so hard in my face
it felt like my heart had been torn out of my chest

since then, doors have been flying open in front of me,
to the left of me, to the right of me,
up, down and sideways

 at every angle

and I am diving right through those open doors